Disassociated press Jersey City, New jersey

     Jersey City residents are rejoicing after a close call with killer snakes from outer space.  The hardest hi areas are in the Southern portion of the city.  In particular New Jersey City University is where the creatures made their first appearance.  Several faculty members and students where eaten by the snakes.  Among the victims are world renowned gender studies professor Dr. Tin Vese, boxing coach Dat Kellasandro and local celebrity "Fat Jesus."

     The day after the attacks the Westboro Baptist Church released a video condemning Jersey City and thinking God for the snakes.

"The filthy fag enabling beasts and violent adulterers of this modern dat Sodom and Gomorrah are now in hell" blasted church leader Phred Felps.  They also praised the death of Fat Jesus calling him a "false prophet," "proud whore before his god", and a "filthy fornicator that will roast alongside Jerry Falwell for all eternity."

     However there is much reason to celebrate.  Many believe the attacks would have been much worse if it was not for a true hero.  Many are toting Rawrson Mamoky as the person who stopped the aliens.  Mamoky, who is Antarctican-American and professor of theoretical physics, persuaded the aliens to stop.  It is now known that the serpent invaders were from a parallel antarctican speaking universe.  Mamoky lives on Kennedy Blvd and was walking near the school when he saw the invaders.

"I was walking my pussycat Jimmy as I witnessed the alien bastards land near Fries Hall" Mamoky told reporters.  However it was his brave actions as a negotiator that turned him into a local hero.  Upon hearing the snakes talk, he was able to understand what they were saying.  Interesting enough the snakes were speaking Antarctican.

     Witnesses say they heard Mamoky shout curses at the snakes.  In addition to that he called upon them to speak to their leader.  King Abdul Suzuki De Rosa negotiated with Mamoky in Fries Hall room 203 for eight hours.  Barrack Obama sent military personel to assist Mamoky who was the only fluent speaker of antarctican and english.  In exchange for Ellen Degeneres, the aliens vowed to leave earth alone.  As it now turns out, DeGeneres was actually a snake spy being held captive on earth for 70 years.  However most people know of her as the fowl mouthed, drug crazed Comedienne.  Mamoky is uncomfortable with his newly found fame and does not believe he is a hero.

"I just happened to be in the right place at the right time, if i wasn't for Jimmy I would have not been outside."  Whatever the case may be, Jersey City can breathe a little easier now, thanks to Rawrson Mamoky.