Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Monday, July 9, 2012
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Final
Preparations for Hurricane Nancy cleared the way for a valuable discovery in Newark, NJ.
In the attic of a retirement home, a discovery was found. Rare pics featuring former president Franklin Delano Roosevelt.
“We thought we had found everything down there but life is full of surprises I guess and we came across quite a surprise,” said Paul Campbell, a nurses aide.
The shocking images reveal Roosevelt had a secret identity. Scientists have analyzed the images and they have admitted that the pics prove that Roosevelt was actually a cyborg created by the government. Dozens of water-damaged boxes held thousands of pages of historical documents, including a manuscript logging the process of creating the cyborg.The year of these pictures are unclear at the moment, however certain events can be distinguished. It is clear that Roosevelt was under control of his aides as he made important decisions on his behalf utilizing a remote control. The most confusing part of the story is the question of how these government officials found the technology so far advanced that they were able to fool the public for so many years. Another question is whether or not Roosevelt was ever human at all?
President Barack Obama has stated that the body of the former president will be exhumed for further investigation.
Conspiracy theorists ask what other technological secrets are hidden by the government.
Michael Jackson: Truly Invincible
This year has been an amazing year for the King of Pop. He
has achieved the unimaginable, and seems to show no signs of stopping. There’s
only one hurdle he may face in the near future: how old is he, technically?
Now if you’ve been absent for the past few months, let’s
recap for the class, shall we? On December 20th, 2011, Michael
Jackson’s grave was perceived robbed. An extensive search was then started
until the King of Pop appeared in his old Neverland Ranch, which was recently
repurchased by his sister, Janet. Looking just like a zombie from his famous
music video, Thriller, Jackson was
alive. Doctors flew from all over the world to examine this phenomenon, and
came to the conclusion that Michael Jackson, who was once considered dead, was
now alive.
In the past few months, doctors have scrambling to figure
out the mystery. No one knows how or why. This scientific conundrum will
continue to baffle scientists. In the meanwhile, Jackson has been getting all
kinds of plastic surgery to look less corpse-like. But that’s not the only
thing Jackson has been changing. His new business? Changing lives.
During the first few months of his resurrection, he has been
speaking to the press little by little about his experience while he was under.
During our exclusive interview a few months back, he talked about how he never
felt more free and ‘alive’ (excuse the pun) than when he was dead. Does he
regret being alive? “No”, JACKSON said, “but it has given me a new
perspective”. He describes feeling like a kid, being able to roam freely and
enjoy pure happiness. When asked if he experienced a god, he just replied, “I
can’t remember. All I remember was being happy and having fun.”
Cut to the present. Doctors are still baffled. Politicians
are trying to find if this is something they should regulate in case of an
oncoming zombie apocalypse. Fans
have never been happier. And Jackson has begun to start a new religion. We
asked him back for another interview to explain. “I call it Puerism. It is
Latin for childhood.” We asked why he felt that he needed to start this. He
explained, “I think I need to spread what I have learned. In my time away, I
learned that no matter what happens to us as we grow, we still have inner
children that yearn to be free. We
are so worried about acting like adults, that we neglect the child in us and
become unhappy. We need to reach that side of us if we want to be better people.”
Skeptical, we asked how would this change how the world functions now? He
responded with “Like my good friend Whitney (Houston) once said, I believe the
children are our future. But why wait for the future? If we embrace our inner
children, we can change the present AND pave the way for the future. Children
are the key, and it is time we embrace that.”
The interest in Puerism has been growing rapidly. Especially
from people who are leaving their own religions due to Jackson’s very presence
annulling their very beliefs. After closer examination, it feels like a form of
Buddhism, but one that emphasizes the innocence with which a child views the
world. It also emphasizes finding the fun in life and celebrating it. Becoming
one with the inner child is the ultimate goal of a puerist. It’s very fascinating,
but it is not without it’s opponents. Many of the people fighting against this
bring up Jackson’s history with child abuse. Puerists, however, argue that he
did not abuse the children. He was just exhibiting an early form of Puerism,
albeit a little crude and unusual. It will be interesting to see how this all
plays out as Puerist temples start going up across the globe. One thing is
certain: there will be a lot more kids out there now.
Michael Jackson has definitely changed the world. His
resurrection is the most scrutinized event that is obsessing everyone. Some are
questioning whether he was ever truly dead. Others are calling for him to be
killed again to see if it will happen. And some are claiming that they too have
resurrected. The only thing that we know? Death, from this point on, will never be seen the same.
We asked him a couple questions. We asked if he planed to
start making music once more. “I need to be a little more nimble. My limbs feel
like they are going to fall off any minute” Jackson explained, “my main goal is
for Puerism to take off. After that, let’s see what the future holds.” Our last
question to him was on a different note. We asked if he has spoken to Dr.
Conrad Murray. Jackson chuckled, “I wouldn’t know where to begin. How do you go
up to a man and say ‘hey, you killed me, but it changed my life’?” Michael
Jackson: The story of the century.
Disassociated press Jersey City, New jersey
Jersey City residents are rejoicing after a close call with killer snakes from outer space. The hardest hi areas are in the Southern portion of the city. In particular New Jersey City University is where the creatures made their first appearance. Several faculty members and students where eaten by the snakes. Among the victims are world renowned gender studies professor Dr. Tin Vese, boxing coach Dat Kellasandro and local celebrity "Fat Jesus."
The day after the attacks the Westboro Baptist Church released a video condemning Jersey City and thinking God for the snakes.
"The filthy fag enabling beasts and violent adulterers of this modern dat Sodom and Gomorrah are now in hell" blasted church leader Phred Felps. They also praised the death of Fat Jesus calling him a "false prophet," "proud whore before his god", and a "filthy fornicator that will roast alongside Jerry Falwell for all eternity."
However there is much reason to celebrate. Many believe the attacks would have been much worse if it was not for a true hero. Many are toting Rawrson Mamoky as the person who stopped the aliens. Mamoky, who is Antarctican-American and professor of theoretical physics, persuaded the aliens to stop. It is now known that the serpent invaders were from a parallel antarctican speaking universe. Mamoky lives on Kennedy Blvd and was walking near the school when he saw the invaders.
"I was walking my pussycat Jimmy as I witnessed the alien bastards land near Fries Hall" Mamoky told reporters. However it was his brave actions as a negotiator that turned him into a local hero. Upon hearing the snakes talk, he was able to understand what they were saying. Interesting enough the snakes were speaking Antarctican.
Witnesses say they heard Mamoky shout curses at the snakes. In addition to that he called upon them to speak to their leader. King Abdul Suzuki De Rosa negotiated with Mamoky in Fries Hall room 203 for eight hours. Barrack Obama sent military personel to assist Mamoky who was the only fluent speaker of antarctican and english. In exchange for Ellen Degeneres, the aliens vowed to leave earth alone. As it now turns out, DeGeneres was actually a snake spy being held captive on earth for 70 years. However most people know of her as the fowl mouthed, drug crazed Comedienne. Mamoky is uncomfortable with his newly found fame and does not believe he is a hero.
"I just happened to be in the right place at the right time, if i wasn't for Jimmy I would have not been outside." Whatever the case may be, Jersey City can breathe a little easier now, thanks to Rawrson Mamoky.
Warhorse
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| Blueprint found in a New Jersey Dumpster |
Broken glass, fire still illuminating the streets, this is what you see when you travel to the once graceful Time Square. You may ask, did an attack on America happen again? If you guess that, you are wrong. All the mayhem on the street isn’t just one occurrence, in many places around the world the shattered glass and smoke and fire are caused by protesters, many from the animal rights group Peta. Last night the protest hit New York City. Buildings were set on fire, cars were flipped over, and many were injured and arrested. You may ask why this violence engulfed the heart of Manhattan. Believe it or not this was caused by a former military man, Jonathan Orton also known as The Horse Head.
Jonathan Orton was a very decorated military man, but for years (since his tours in Iraq) he been haunted by the mere image of his face. Psychologist around the world name this mental disorder as Facialmareism. This disorder causes people to be disgusted with their face, so much that just a look at the mirror can cause the thought of suicide. This disorder is usually caused from a traumatic event in the person’s life. Jonathan been diagnosed with Facialmareism for the last three years, and for the last two years he been working with acclaimed Italian facial reconstruction doctor, Dr. Serrano, to develop a surgical procedure that will have his head taken off, with his brain, nerves, spinal cord, and visual cortex. Then the organs and nerves that were taken off will be rebuilt around and in a mechanical device named The Second Spine. With this, The Second Spine will be attached in Orton’s body, but his head will be substituted with a dead horse head (the horse had to be dead for a max of three hours.) The reason for the horse head is because of the horse’s muscular head, it will make the healing process faster ( from two years recovery time with another head, to 2 months recovery time with the horse head).
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| The last photo of Jonathan, before his speech. |
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| Worldwide protest shown here in Pakistan. |
During the time of this surgical development, protest around the world started to irrupt. Jonathan was met with death threat, and his dishonorable discharge from the military. Many argue that this was animal cruelty, a spit in the face towards mankind. Jonathan sought help from the organization Lets Be One With The Wild Side, which greatly accepted him with open arms. Martha Lee, the leader of the group, was the first person to have cat eyes surgically inserted in her visual cortex, as well as having pearls surgically installed under her cheeks. Martha Lee suffers from the same disorder as Jonathan. If you see her today, she looks more like a Frankenstein cat woman than anything. Martha Lee with the help of her Father (co-founder of L.B.O.W.T.W.S) Henry “Black Eyes” Potter, constructed a viral campaign that would spread the understanding of Jonathan decision to have a horse head. The campaign failed miserably.
Many people tried to stop the surgery but couldn’t, the government couldn’t stop it cause Jonathan had the right to do the surgery. On February 4th the surgery was successful. For a few month, Jonathan was a hidden gem to the public. Protests against the surgery spread faster than a forest fire. Then on May 8th, through Twitter, Jonathan said that he will give a speech at Time Square at 8pm. Time Square was flooded with some who were on Jonathan side, but many of the people that were there despised Jonathan. When Jonathan first appeared to the crowd (on top of the MTV studio building), everyone was silent; a man with a beautiful white horse head is something you don’t see everyday. Jonathan spoke about freedom, he quoted Thomas Paine and Martin Luther King Jr, but then the crowd stopped listening and mayhem broke out. The protesters wanted Jonathan dead. Jonathan escaped the mayhem, and this morning on Twitter he apologize to the world and said that you will never see him again.
by: David Mollyk
Mexico goes to war with the U.S. final project
Mexico goes to war with the
U.S.
CNN breaks the news: This just in, Mexico has just declared war on the United States. This form of action has allegedly stemmed
from acts of the Mexican President vowing to obtain the Southern Border. This
takes place after the efforts of a treaty between President Felipe and
President Obama are abandoned. Sources
are unknown at this present moment; however, there has been strong indication
that President Felipes Calderon declares war on the US to retrieve the Southern
Border and expand on it's independence.
With the health care reform in play, the White House has released a
statement indicating that the need for expansion is solely based on drug and
immigration reform in order to allow Mexico to have easier access to "legally"
cross borders. So, this is the true
reason for Mexico declaring war on the United States for the Southern
Border. Why now? The battle stems from
centuries of conditions in which both countries feel they are entitled to and
the maintenance of the Southern border.
Slowly but surely, the philosophy from both sides have become noted as,
"He who owns the borders, control destiny of both countries.
Here is some history of Mexico. If you recall
through history Mexico obtained Upper California (state of California), but not
Texas. Mexico feels that they are also entitled to the state of Texas. This
territory was stolen due to American citizens settling in then called the state
of Coauhilia y Tejas. This centuries ago was the Northern part of Mexico. Today
this territory is known as the state of Texas. President Felipe who is running
for re-election vow to the people of Mexico to make this one of his agendas
that it may help their economy flourish.
As part of his campaign members and board of trustees, President Felipes
plans to hire Cheech and Chong as head of the Mexican security. Their work in obtaining top secret photos of
United States government officials in "uncompromising" predicaments
have earned them their rank as well as the responsibility of obtaining control
of the Southern Border. Those
"uncompromising" photos have caused for the resignation of members of
the Bush administration, the counseling of Monica Luinski and the evidence that
almost causes President Clinton to get impeached, as well as reported evidence
that President Obama has purchased marijuana and brought it across the Southern
Border to enter into the United States.
Mexican President Felipe believes that President Obama is playing hard
ball with the negotiations requesting a 70/30 split for the profit in drug
trade, explaining that the high end split is due to the recession and debt
crisis that the United States is currently facing. Mexican President explains that Barak's final
words before abandoning the treaty were, "What you think this is fool, I'm
from the cold streets of Chi-town Baby!"
CNN requested an interview with
President Obama and the staff of the White Staff who has formerly declined to
comment but released this statement:
“We will not comprise our
security to ensure the wealth of another country!” So we will do all to secure
our territory!
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Mark Zuckerberg: Hip-Hop and Break-Dancing are my true secret passions
You may not know this but it has always been the creator of the most popular social network Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg’s passion to be a hip-hop and break-dancing star. This 27 year old billionaire who dropped out of Harvard University has always dreamed about becoming a star in the hip-hop music industry. He even had a talent when it came to getting down on the floor with his break dancing skills. Zuckerberg was a straight A student at Ardsley High School where he aced all his classes before transferring to a selective private school called Phillips Exeter Academy where he had won prizes in science (math, astronomy and physics) and classical studies. He could even read and write 4 different languages that were French, Hebrew, Latin, and ancient Greek. He was even a good fencer and was captain of his school’s team.
All those achievements meant nothing to him because deep down inside he longed for the pursuit of a life of hip-hop music and break dancing. On his spare time Zuckerberg would watch a lot of MTV and BET at home to gain some knowledge of the modern hip-hop culture. His favorite movies are the Step-Up movies and Kickin’ It Old School because those movies were about a bunch of white-people dancing which were his big inspirations. He would watch those movies constantly until he was able to master their moves. His favorite rapper was Eminem and also liked to listen to Chris Brown and Usher and watch their music videos for to pick up on their movies.
Zuckerberg went to Harvard University to study psychology and computer science but dropped out after creating the most popular social network Facebook, he dropped out because he was board with it and thought it was child’s play. Another reason why Zuckerberg left was Harvard tried shutting down Facebook because of the popularity it caused and the fact that he kept on getting slapped with lawsuits from the Winklevoss twins and his former college friend Eduardo Saverin claiming they are the ones who created Facebook and not Zuckerberg. Mark decided to use the billions of dollars he made off of Facebook to pursue his lifelong dream.
He first went to a break dancing studio where Zuckerberg practiced he moves with young men like himself who want to make it in the hip-hop and break dancing industry. Mark would also constantly work out to tune his body with upper and lower body exercises so he could pull of moves with grace. He was the best out of all the students in the class which was no surprise since he was able to be good with just about anything. He was into Asian hip-hop and would travel to China to step up his game with the Asian Posy. Mark would became good friends with the locals and break-danced with them show them his amazing skills. They even teached him how to do a head spin which is a very hard skill to master. With all the training and connections he made over the journey in the hip-hop world he finally decided to start a break dancing and hip-hop crew.
Mark Zuckerberg sought out the help of his friend and former class-mate, Johnny Gomez and one of his ideals Chris Brown to help form a hip-hop Group called Book to the Face. Chris Brown was a huge fan of Zuckerberg for his creation of Facebook so he had no problem joining his group. They were able to win national titles in the underground and sponsored matches of worldwide break dancing tournaments. They would get invited to all the popular clubs always making friends with the DJs and club owners where ever they went. Mark Zuckerberg was finally living the dream he had always wanted.
As with every great candidate she has a strong following, even her old cast mates back her in her run for presidency. Snooki seems to love life on the campaign trail. She feels she can appeal best to the young voters by using 'Shore' experiences as examples of true camaraderie and family values; referring to their famous Sunday dinners. Of course, there is tons of backlash for all her on camera incidents and cuca moments but she does not seem phased by any comments. "The more they talk the more famous I become, any publicity is good publicity even when running for office."
Let's just say Snooki is nothing less of entertaining even her campaign attire and advertisement is nothing less than Scandalous. While most candidates go a more conservative route, she prefers vibrant revealing garments and "scenic" posters. Her "Pro-War" posters is one of our favorites; Snooki gets her message across every time. Nothing speaks of Pro-War like a Poster of an Atomic Bomb detonating.
When asked what we can expect from her this year " Lots of glitter, pink, leopard, and Spandex!" We of course meant on the campaign trail, blushing " Oh, endless parties, I want to hit every Shore in America...Don't worry I'll provide the funnels and kegs." She assured us that they'll be many surprise guests especially from the 'Shore' cast. We wouldn't expect anything less than Ridiculous.. oops we meant Fabulous from our favorite Guidette, Snooki. Remember Vote Snooki 2013! She assures a 'Shore' Win!
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