The Jets are Robots!!!

New York Jets Are Robots

By Jason Carey ESPNNewYork.com

Monday night’s loss to the Tennesee Titans put the New York Jets’ playoff hopes officially away for the season, but the big news out of New York this morning is the shocking developments that blow Bounty Gate out of the water. According to Rich Cimini, another ESPN analyst, the news broke this morning that three confirmed players are actually cyborgs!

The Jets All-Pro cornerback Darrelle Revis did a photoshoot today with his revealed cybernetic parts. Revis, who was injured earlier in the year admitted that his legs were removed and replaced by cybernetic legs in order to settle the contract dispute he was having with the Jets. He said that it was the idea of owner Woody Johnson that if Revis underwent the procedure, he would be the highest paid NFL player in history no matter what. Revis decided to end his third holdout with the operation.

But it doesn’t end there. At practice today, Mark Sanchez was demoted officially as the quarterback of the Jets for second year player Greg McElroy. Sanchez revealed to reporters that his arm had been transformed to a cybernetic arm after his rookie year at the demand of owner Woody Johnson. Sanchez then said “Woody told me I had to do it to give myself a stronger arm. He said he’d come after my parents if I didn’t. But during my third year, my arm began to malfunction, and this year it completely rusted to the point that it couldn’t be fixed.”

 

The plot thickens even more. As it started to rain, suddenly backup quarterback Tim Tebow began running without his shirt on in the middle of the practice and it was revealed he, too was actually mostly cybernetic. It was clear his arm and part of his face were cybernetic to the point that his good looks were beginning to finally be questioned. When asked to comment about this drastic development Tim simply responded “I’m very excited to play for the New York Jets. It’s just a really exciting time for me. I know I didn’t get to play much, but I’m just so excited! I love Jesus. God is good”. When we approached head coach Rex Ryan, he simply had a face of disgust. Ryan said “I was unaware that some of our key players were actually robots. But, it does explain a little bit about Tim. I always did have a feeling Darrelle was part machine because of his talent, but I didn’t ever think it would turn out to be true in the end. As for Mark, it sure explains why his play dropped off so much recently.

 

When we approached Woody Johnson, the Jets owner, he was sporting a new look, with a devious goatee. He also had suspicious horns sticking out of his hat. When asked to comment about the team and his new look, Johnson simply said “I knew I had to make some improvements in the team and I felt this was the most logical thing to do. As for my new look, I thought the goatee made me look smart. As for the horns, well I had to make a deal with someone in order to get this whole thing done and he told me I had to look like him from now on in terms of the horns.” (insert woody Johnson picture)